Setting Boundaries During the Holidays When You Care A Lot
Holiday Boundaries: Why They Feel So Hard
If you feel anxious thinking about the holidays, you are so not alone. The season often comes with pressure to show up perfectly, say yes to everything, avoid disappointing anyone, and somehow do it all with a smile.
Many of the women I work with say things like:
“I want to set boundaries, but I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
”My family expects me to be exactly who I was as a kid, but I’ve changed.”
“I don’t want to set boundaries because I don’t want to lose my relationships.”
If that resonates, this guide is for you. We are going to explore realistic, compassionate holiday boundary setting so you can stay connected to your values without blowing up your family group chat. It is possible to stay authentic to yourself, protect your peace, and still show love and care to your family.
Why Holidays Are a Boundary Minefield
The holidays combine three tricky ingredients:
• Strong emotions
• Long standing family roles and family dynamics
• Expectations that no one ever says out loud
Maybe you were the peacekeeper growing up. Maybe you learned to make yourself small to avoid conflict. Maybe you were praised for being the easy one, the responsible one, or the one who “never makes things hard.”
When that is your history, setting boundaries during the most emotionally loaded time of year can feel terrifying. Plus there’s no blueprint for it. You’re trying to change a whole family dynamic by yourself, and that feels completely impossible.
One of my clients realized that she was expected to be exactly like her childhood self… even 20 years later. The longstanding role was that she was the easy kid, who never needed anything. She was quiet, reserved, and kept to herself. She helped bring peace to her family’s drama by giving them all the space in the room. But now she understands how dysfunctional this dynamic is, and she’s worried she will shut down her naturally bubbly personality to fit into her family’s old expectation of her.
We’re working on understanding her family dynamic, so that she can approach holiday decisions with more alignment to her values of being both authentic to herself and connected to her family.
What are Holiday Boundaries
Boundaries are not magic words that make everyone instantly respectful. Boundaries are not even actions that others take at all. They are actions for you to apply that protect your time, energy, and values. Let’s bust some boundary stereotypes.
Notice how these statements are asking someone else to do (or not do) something. A boundary is NOT:
”I need you to stop dumping your problems on me.”
“Stop bringing up my dating life every time we talk.”
”Please don’t talk about politics at the dinner table.”
“You need to respect my time and stop expecting me to stay all night.”
“You can’t get upset with me for saying no.”
“You need to stop expecting me to host everything.”
Now, let’s look at some real boundaries, where you are stating what you are going to do (or not do). A boundary IS:
“When you start dumping your problems on me, I am going to respectfully end the conversation.”
“If the conversation turns to my dating life, I’m going to change the subject.”
”If we start talking politics at the dinner table, I’m not going to engage. I might even walk away.”
“I’m planning to stay for an hour, then I’ll head out so I can rest.”
“I’m choosing what works best for me this season, even if others feel disappointed.”
“I won’t be hosting this year, but I hope you all enjoy your time together.”
When thinking about setting holiday boundaries, the key is to consider what I am going to do. Use “I” statements and have a plan in place. If you are planning on ending a conversation, have some key phrases ready that you might use in order to do so. If you are wanting to change the topic, what will you bring up instead? If you plan on walking away, what will you do or where will you go? Having a plan makes setting boundaries easier and more realistic.
Therapist tip: Boundaries don’t necessarily need to be communicated ahead of time. If it feels appropriate, you can wait to communicate your boundary when the issue comes up. Or you may choose to not communicate it in words at all, and simply follow out your plan of changing the subject.
Practice It: Think about some areas where you feel like holiday boundaries may be needed this year. Write down what your boundaries will be. Include the words you might use and the specific plan of action you will take to execute your boundaries.
Step One: Set Realistic Expectations
Here is the most relieving truth about holiday boundaries:
Your family may not love your limits, but that does not mean you are wrong for having them.
Try grounding yourself with realistic expectations, such as:
• Some people may feel surprised.
• Some may disagree.
• That does not mean you have caused harm.
• You are not responsible for managing everyone’s emotional reactions.
Practice It: You know your family better than anyone. Take a moment to consider how your family members might respond to your boundaries. Consider what they may say, how they may feel, and the general dynamic that may follow. When you expect the boundary to be uncomfortable, you stop interpreting discomfort as proof you made a mistake.
Step Two: Clarify Your Values Before You Set the Boundary
Boundaries stick best when they match your values. Values give structure to your decisions and give you a “why” for setting boundaries.
Here are some values to consider:
• Peace
• Connection
• Emotional safety
• Rest
• Presence
• Authenticity
• Fairness
• Compassion
Ask yourself:
What matters most to me this season, and what boundaries support that?
For example:
• If you value rest, you may limit travel.
• If you value peace, you may skip certain arguments instead of diving in.
• If you value connection, you may attend fewer events so you can be present for the ones that matter.
Sometimes values seem to be incongruent. I’ve worked with many clients who valued both peace for themselves and connection with family. It seemed like setting a boundary for peace might mean losing connection. I encourage you to think through how your decisions for the holidays can support both values. For example, if you value peace and connection, you may communicate that you are going to change the subject when conflict arises and offer to play a board game instead. You don’t have to walk out, or get angry, or not attend an event. Your actions have power to create new family dynamics.
Step Three: Practice Communication That Is Clear and Kind
Holiday boundary conversations can feel overwhelming, so here are a few therapist approved scripts that keep things simple.
The Clear and Simple No:
“I won’t be able to make it this year, but I hope you all have a lovely time.”
The Repeat Yourself Gently Strategy:
“I hear that this is disappointing. I am still choosing what works best for me this year.”
The Compromise:
“I can come for an hour, then I’ll need to head out.”
The Reflection of Feelings:
“I know this makes you upset. I’m not choosing to do this to hurt you.”
The Deflection:
“I am not discussing that topic today. Let’s talk about something else.”
You do not need long explanations. You do not need to justify. You do not need to prove that your limit is reasonable. Short and kind is usually the safest route.
Building Acceptance for What You Cannot Control
Letting go of control goes hand in hand with setting realistic expectations. When you acknowledge and are prepared for what you can’t control, it makes it feel a bit easier to let go.
You cannot control:
• How others respond to your boundaries
• Family members who turn small things into big things
• Old patterns resurfacing
• Other people’s expectations of you
You can control:
• What and how you communicate
• How you respond to others
• The new patterns you set
• Your internal self talk
• Who you reach out to for support
Boundary setting is vulnerable, especially when your family does not have a culture of talking about emotions. You may feel guilty, nervous, shaky, or relieved. All of that is normal.
Boundaries That Preserve Connection Instead of Escalating Conflict
Boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about creating conditions where connection feels possible and safe.
Try using:
• Softer tones
• Short sentences
• “I” statements
• Clear expectations
• Respectful language
• Neutral phrasing instead of defensiveness
Examples:
• “I care about being there, but I need a shorter visit to feel grounded.”
• “I want to connect, but I cannot talk about that topic today.”
• “I love you and I am choosing something different this year.”
Connection and boundaries can absolutely coexist.
You Deserve a Holiday That Honors You
You deserve rest.
You deserve connection that feels mutual.
You deserve emotional safety.
You deserve to show up in a way that honors your values.
Setting boundaries during the holidays is not selfish. It is an act of emotional maturity. It is how you create a life that feels aligned with who you are and what you need.
If this post resonates and you want support navigating holiday stress, perfectionism, or family patterns, therapy can help you create boundaries that feel safe, realistic, and compassionate.