Self-Compassion Isn’t Selfish: A Therapist’s Guide to Being Kinder to Yourself
What if being kind to yourself wasn’t just a feel-good phrase, but a real, practical skill that could transform how you navigate your relationships, emotions, and daily stress? At Blue Chair Counseling, I often work with adults who carry the invisible weight of self-criticism, shame, and the pressure to “get it right.”
This post is an invitation to pause and consider: What would change if you offered yourself the same compassion you offer everyone else?
what is self-compassion (really)?
Self-compassion isn’t about being self-indulgent or letting yourself off the hook. It’s about creating an internal environment that’s safe, nurturing, and emotionally honest. Drawing from the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves three core elements:
Mindfulness: Noticing what you’re feeling without judgment.
Common humanity: Remembering that struggle is a shared human experience.
Self-kindness: Responding to your pain with care instead of criticism.
Almost every client I’ve worked with has shared that they always extend grace to friends or family or even coworkers. But that grace stops when they get to themselves. One client shared that she is “too dramatic” for needing support. Another shared that she has a higher bar for herself than for others. One client feels like a failure if things aren’t perfect. Recognizing this double standard was the first step towards change. It is clear to me that if you can have grace for other people, you have the capacity to have grace for yourself.
why self-compassion is so hard for adults from difficult families
Many of the adults I work with grew up in homes where emotional needs were ignored, minimized, or met with criticism. Over time, this often teaches us that kindness is conditional and that our worth depends on how well we care for others, not ourselves.
This can lead to:
Over-apologizing or taking the blame in relationships
Quieting yourself so you don’t put a burden on others
Setting a standard of perfection because imperfection isn’t received well
Feeling uncomfortable receiving compliments or help
Part of our work in therapy is untangling these internalized patterns. For so many of my clients, they don’t even realize that a pattern is going on… that is, until we start talking about it, and I point out the theme. The insight that we gain here is often a starting point for self-compassion.
I remember one session, in particular, when a client realized that her mom often made everything about her, so there was no room for my client to experience her own feelings. She had kept all of her emotions to herself because she knew that she would just get ignored or one-upped by mom if she did share anything. Once she recognized this as a pattern in her childhood, she was able to make space for her own feelings in adulthood. She allowed herself to meet her needs and validate her experiences in ways that she never experienced as a young girl.
what practicing self-compassion can look like
Self-compassion doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Sometimes it’s the smallest shift that creates momentum. Here are a few therapist-backed ways to start practicing self-kindness:
Use Mindfulness
Name your feelings. Try to identify what you’re feeling in the moment. It might be an emotion word (disappointed) or a metaphor (like the world is crashing down) or even a body sensation (heavy in my chest).
Close your eyes and feel. Let the emotion or the sensation just be.
Hold a hand to your heart or your stomach (or wherever feels good), and imagine sending love and kindness and warmth into your body.
Use Common Humanity
Consider what you might say to a friend in the same situation as you. Offer yourself the same kind words you’d offer a friend.
Reflect on the truth that others struggle too. That others aren’t perfect. That we’re all human, and so are you.
Use Self-Kindness
Do whatever you are doing with some extra kindness and gentleness. I like to think about how would I do this for a friend who was hurting? For example, if I’m making dinner for myself, how would I make dinner for a friend who I love? I might choose to make her favorite meal, or add a sweet treat on the side, or put it on a cute plate, or set the table special for her. I might play some music in the background or turn on her favorite show to watch while she eats. Now, I can choose to do this for myself.
Swap out blaming language for gentle, validating words. Change “What’s wrong with me?” for “Of course, that was hard. It’s okay to be frustrated.”
Explore if there is a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation. Kristin Neff offers a few examples: “may I be kind to myself” or “may I learn to accept myself as I am.”
a guided reflection to try this week
Set aside five quiet minutes. Ask yourself:
When was the last time I felt ashamed or inadequate?
What did I tell myself in that moment?
What might it sound like to respond with kindness instead?
Write it down. Notice what comes up. There are no wrong answers here — just information, and an invitation to relate to yourself in a new way.
For another guided reflection, take a look at Kristin Neff’s exercise for a self-compassion break.
it starts with one small shift
Healing doesn’t always begin with big breakthroughs. Often, it starts with a quieter decision: to stop abandoning yourself. If you’re ready to explore these patterns with support, you don’t have to do it alone.
At Blue Chair Counseling, I specialize in helping adults rebuild trust with themselves and others — gently, collaboratively, and at a pace that honors where you are. I’d love to connect with you, and bring self-compassion into the work we can do together.